In the second grade, a paper crown and the title of “Valentine Queen” felt like the pinnacle of achievement. Young and eager for approval, I remember the sheer joy of believing, even for a day, that I was truly liked. This early experience, though later revealed to be somewhat engineered, fueled a childhood desire for external validation. From student council elections to homecoming court nominations, I chased that fleeting feeling of acceptance, only to find that the crown remained elusive after the age of seven. The quest to be chosen, to be validated by others, continued for years, masking a deeper need for self-acceptance.
The Pitfalls of Seeking External Validation
Like many, my journey to understanding my own worth took a detour. Free from the structure of childhood, I stumbled into relationships and choices that earned me less flattering titles: “Miss-Take” and “Miss-Judgment.” I sought connection in complex, emotionally unavailable partners, mistaking attention for genuine affection. There were those who offered real love, but I was incapable of receiving it, trapped in a cycle of self-criticism and shame.
This internal negativity manifested in my choices of partners, who, unconsciously, mirrored my own self-perception. It was as if I sought out relationships that confirmed my deepest insecurities, a sad but effective way of reinforcing a negative self-image. Finding men who echoed my own critical inner voice became an unhealthy expertise.
The turning point arrived with the realization that external validation would never fill the void of self-love. This awakening was gradual, occurring even while I was in an abusive relationship. A profound shift began when I started volunteering at a battered women’s shelter. Witnessing the devastating impact of belittlement and manipulation on other women’s sense of self-worth was a stark mirror to my own life. Observing their struggles, their reasons for staying or leaving, forced a painful self-reflection. The parallels between their experiences and my own were undeniable and deeply unsettling. Confronting my own shame became essential, and the realization that I deserved to be saved spurred me to leave.
Child dressed as Valentine Queen with paper crown, illustrating the desire for external validation in youth, a theme explored in an article about finding the best Valentine's gift.
My focus shifted from the desperate pursuit of external approval to discovering how I could contribute to the lives of others. Despite feeling flawed and ashamed, a desire to help emerged. I enrolled in graduate school, immersing myself in education. Therapy became a crucial part of my journey. Slowly, my world began to transform.
Discovering Your Purpose: The True Valentine’s Gift
A life I genuinely enjoyed began to take shape as I started to find my purpose. Years later, I was fortunate to find a partner whose kindness and acceptance allowed me to further embrace self-love and personal growth. His presence has been a consistent source of support for over three decades.
Psychology offers valuable insights into this journey. Maslow’s hierarchy of needs suggests that our initial sense of stability often stems from belonging and group acceptance. Esteem, a true sense of self-worth, typically develops later. Reflect on the times you’ve tried to fit in, both as a teenager and as an adult. These efforts often precede genuine self-belief, highlighting our inherent need for connection before internal validation.
This Valentine’s Day, Gift Yourself Self-Love
As Valentine’s Day approaches, take a moment for introspection. Instead of solely focusing on romantic gestures from others, consider the life you’ve built for yourself. Make a list of what you appreciate about your life, and, more importantly, identify your core values and how well your life reflects them.
If you find a disconnect between your values and your daily life, remember that change is always possible. Determine the direction you need to move in and take small, consistent steps toward aligning your life with your principles. This alignment is where you discover your purpose and receive the most profound validation – the validation that comes from within. This Valentine’s Day, the best gift you can give is the gift of self-discovery and self-acceptance.
