Dear Prudence,
My husband and I are blessed with wonderful parents who are incredibly involved in the lives of our two daughters, ages 5 and 2. Living near the beach, my parents frequently host the girls for overnight stays, and even longer week-long visits. This has fostered a beautiful bond between them, and we truly appreciate their support. Recently, my parents have become close with a couple their age in their neighborhood, let’s call them Fred and Wilma. They also have grown children and a grandchild, and seem like lovely people.
However, my husband and I have developed an unsettling feeling about Fred. It started subtly. After visits to my parents’ house, my oldest daughter would return with a “present” from Fred – a seashell, a pretty feather, a smooth rock. These little tokens seemed innocent enough at first, just Gifts For My Daughter from a friendly neighbor. But then, an incident occurred that really raised our hackles.
Once, while dropping off the girls, I stayed longer than usual, and Fred and Wilma happened to stop by. They weren’t empty-handed. Fred presented my 5-year-old with a beautifully wrapped gift: a sand dollar encased in a box adorned with elaborate, fancy ribbon. It was a thoughtful gesture, perhaps even a bit too thoughtful. A wave of unease washed over me, a pit forming in my stomach as we drove home. I couldn’t quite articulate it at first, but something about Fred’s gifts for my daughter felt off.
The presentation of the gifts felt overly adult, almost performative. He only seemed to give these gifts for my daughter when my husband and I were not around, creating a subtle separation. And most noticeably, he consistently singled out my older daughter, never bringing anything for my younger one. It felt like he was focusing his attention, trying to build a special connection with her through these carefully chosen gifts for my daughter. My instincts, my mommy-warning sirens, were screaming.
I want to be clear: we have absolutely no proof, not even a hint of any inappropriate behavior from Fred. But the girls are scheduled to stay with my parents for an upcoming long weekend, and we are deeply concerned about them socializing with Fred and Wilma. We cherish our parents’ friendship with this couple, but we cannot shake this feeling of unease. How do we explain to my parents that their friends give us the creeps, and we don’t want them near our children, without insulting their friendship and causing unnecessary drama? We are truly at a loss for words.
—At a Loss for Words
Dear At a Loss,
I understand your parental instincts are on high alert, and it’s natural to feel protective of your daughters, especially when it comes to unfamiliar people. However, from your description, it sounds like your “mommy bowels,” as I like to call them, might be a tad overactive in this situation. While it’s crucial to never dismiss a gut feeling when it comes to your child’s safety, it’s also important to approach situations with a balanced perspective. Seeing every friendly gesture as a potential threat can inadvertently instill unnecessary fear and anxiety in your children.
Let’s examine your concerns about these gifts for your daughter more closely, keeping in mind that you yourself acknowledge a lack of concrete evidence of any wrongdoing. On the surface, there isn’t anything inherently sinister about a retired couple, perhaps missing the presence of grandchildren in their lives, taking a liking to the grandchild of their friends. It’s possible Fred and Wilma avoid visiting when you are there simply out of consideration, not wanting to intrude on your family time with your parents.
As for the gifts for your daughter, particularly the older one, consider this: a five-year-old is much more expressive and responsive than a two-year-old. Fred might be offering these small tokens because your older daughter reacts with visible delight and verbal appreciation, something a two-year-old cannot yet fully articulate. He is likely enjoying the positive interaction and the innocent joy he brings with these simple gifts for your daughter.
And the “menacing wrapping” of the sand dollar, as you described it with a Bernard Herrmann soundtrack in your head? It’s highly probable that Wilma, not Fred, was responsible for the elaborate ribbon and presentation. Grandmothers often delight in crafting and creating charming presentations for gifts for daughters and grandchildren, simply for the pleasure of seeing a child’s happy face. This isn’t necessarily a sign of anything more sinister than a grandparent enjoying a bit of crafting and the joy of giving gifts for a daughter figure.
Fred actually reminds me a bit of my own grandfather, a man who adored young children. Nothing brought him more happiness than having his grandchildren visit. I have cherished memories of him playfully roughhousing with me when I was little, and the gifts for daughters (and granddaughters!) he would occasionally bring were always simple tokens of affection. I recall once, during a college break, visiting my grandparents’ apartment when a neighbor woman sheepishly knocked on the door. Her four-year-old daughter, she explained, insisted on seeing her favorite neighbor. The little girl ran straight to my grandfather, jumped into his arms, and he swung her around just as he used to do with me. Now, in the context of your letter, I’m aware this anecdote could be twisted to sound unsettling – yet I was one of the children he adored, and I adored him right back!
However, if your anxiety persists and you feel you absolutely must address this, then you need to communicate with your parents. Banning Fred and Wilma outright from your children’s lives could severely damage your parents’ friendship, and based on the information you’ve provided, it doesn’t seem warranted. Instead, have an open and honest conversation with your parents. Tell them you know you might sound overly cautious, but Fred’s focused attention on your older daughter and the nature of these gifts for your daughter makes you uneasy. Insist that they understand your concern and agree that your children will never be left alone with Fred or Wilma, or indeed, anyone outside of your direct family, and always remain within your parents’ sight. This is a reasonable boundary to set, ensuring your peace of mind without making unsubstantiated accusations or causing unnecessary conflict.
—Prudie
