“I am not ok with being with a good enough mother. I work too hard to settle for that.”
These words, spoken by a dear friend – a mother as devoted as anyone I know – have stayed with me for years. Hearing them was a punch to the gut, both personally, realizing the immense pressure she was under, and professionally, witnessing yet another misinterpretation of a crucial parenting concept.
The term “good enough mother,” originally intended as a supportive and insightful theory, often gets twisted. Mothers either recoil from it, equating “good enough” with failing, or use it as a weak excuse for perceived shortcomings. It’s become entangled with anxieties about elaborate homemade meals, Pinterest-perfect crafts for school, and the relentless pursuit of parental perfection.
This distorted view completely misses the profound truth, and it’s detrimental to both mothers and children.
Why Imperfect Parenting is Actually the Greatest Gift
The phrase “good enough mother” wasn’t born from a place of lowered expectations, but from deep observation. In 1953, British pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott introduced the concept after years of studying mothers and babies. His groundbreaking realization was that children thrive when their mothers falter in manageable ways. (Let’s be clear, we’re not talking about neglect or abuse, but everyday, normal parental missteps.)
Becoming a “good enough mother” is a journey, not a destination of lowered standards. In the early months, our instinct is to be constantly available, responding instantly to every whimper. We feed, cuddle, change diapers – meeting every need to establish a bedrock of safety and security. This immediate responsiveness is vital in those early stages.
However, Winnicott’s genius insight was that this constant, perfect attunement cannot – and should not – last forever. The very essence of good mothering, he argued, lies in being good enough. Children need their primary caregiver to “fail” them in tolerable doses, regularly, so they can learn to navigate an imperfect world.
Each time we don’t immediately respond to a call, when we can’t give undivided attention, when dinner isn’t a culinary masterpiece, or when we encourage sharing even when met with resistance – these are not failures, but crucial lessons. We are preparing them for a society that won’t always cater to their every whim, a world that will, inevitably, frustrate and disappoint.
Children need to learn, through daily experiences, that they are not the center of the universe. They must understand that requests aren’t always granted, and that their actions impact others. Life, they learn through experience, can be challenging, filled with letdowns and disappointments. And crucially, they learn that they will be okay despite these hardships.
Shielding children from these experiences, fulfilling every need instantly, robs them of the very skills they need to cope with life’s inevitable bumps. They become ill-equipped to manage boredom, annoyance, sadness, or disappointment. They miss out on the repeated, vital lesson that life can be tough, but they possess the inner strength to get through it.
In essence, the “good enough mother” gives her child the greatest gift of all: resilience.
Perfection is a Myth, Resilience is Real
There’s another critical aspect of the “good enough mother” concept: it’s not just beneficial, it’s unavoidable. Striving for anything beyond “good enough” is chasing a mirage. Perfection in parenting is simply impossible. It’s unnecessary to list the countless unmet needs – another snack, drawing on the walls, endless screen time – we face daily. Meeting every single one is not only unrealistic, it’s counterproductive.
Even if perfect parenting were achievable, the outcome would be a fragile child, unable to withstand the slightest adversity. No loving mother desires that for her child.
The truth is, most of the time, we are either “good enough” or we are not. If we consistently fall short of “good enough,” we risk failing our children in profound and unpredictable ways. But if we are “good enough” – and I believe most of us are – we get it right most of the time, and yes, sometimes we stumble. Our children may feel frustration, sadness, or annoyance when we “fail” them in small ways. But in those very moments, repeated over time, they learn a profound life lesson: life is challenging, feelings can be tough, and they will bounce back.
Each time we unintentionally “let them down” in minor, manageable ways, and they navigate through the resulting feelings, they emerge a little stronger. This is the invaluable gift of the “good enough mother.” It’s time we, as mothers, embraced this liberating truth and offered ourselves – and our children – the grace of imperfection. Let’s redefine “Best Gift For Mother” to be the permission to be human, to be good enough, and to raise resilient children ready to face the real world.
