“I am not ok with being with a good enough mother. I work too hard to settle for that.”
These words, spoken by a dear friend – one of the most dedicated mothers I know – have stayed with me for years. Hearing her, I felt a pang of sadness, realizing the immense pressure she was placing on herself. As someone who studies parenting and child development, it also highlighted a common misunderstanding of a crucial theory: the “good enough mother.”
Often, the term “good enough mother” is misinterpreted. Some mothers, like my friend, hear “good enough” and think “not good enough.” Others use it as a self-deprecating excuse for falling short of some imagined ideal of perfect motherhood.
It’s become tangled up in daily pressures: are we making gourmet meals every night? Are we Pinterest-perfecting every school event? The “good enough mother” is now seen as something to avoid, a label for those who aren’t trying hard enough.
But this completely misses the point, both for us as mothers and, most importantly, for our children.
The Unexpected Gift of Imperfect Parenting
The concept of the “good enough mother” was introduced in 1953 by Donald Winnicott, a renowned British pediatrician and psychoanalyst. Through observing countless mothers and babies, Winnicott discovered something profound: children actually thrive when their mothers are not perfect. (Crucially, we’re not talking about neglect or abuse, but normal, everyday imperfections).
Becoming a “good enough mother” is a journey that unfolds over time. In the early infant months, our instinct is to be constantly available, responding to every cry immediately. We feed, cuddle, and change diapers at the first whimper – doing everything to ensure our baby feels safe and secure. This responsiveness is vital in establishing a foundation of trust and security.
However, Winnicott’s key insight was that this level of constant, perfect attunement isn’t sustainable, nor is it beneficial in the long run. The essence of being a “good enough mother” lies in these necessary and manageable “failures.” Children need their primary caregiver to falter in tolerable ways, regularly, so they can learn to navigate an imperfect world.
Every time we don’t immediately respond to their call, every time we can’t give them our undivided attention, every time we serve a dinner they dislike, every time we encourage sharing when they’d rather not – in these moments, we are equipping them for a world that won’t always cater to their every whim.
Children need to learn, through small, daily experiences, that the world doesn’t revolve solely around them. They need to understand that not every request will be met instantly, and that their actions impact others. They need to experience – firsthand – that life includes disappointment and frustration, yet they can still cope and thrive.
If children are shielded from these experiences, if every need is instantly fulfilled, they won’t develop the resilience to handle life’s inevitable challenges. They won’t learn that it’s okay to feel bored, annoyed, sad, or disappointed. They need to learn, repeatedly, that while life can be tough and frustrating, they will get through it.
In essence, the “Gift For Mother” to truly give her child is the gift of resilience, built through the experiences provided by a “good enough mother.”
Why Perfection Isn’t Just Unrealistic, It’s Undesirable
There’s another critical aspect of the “good enough mother” concept: perfection isn’t just unattainable – it’s actually detrimental. Striving for perfect motherhood isn’t a gift to your child; embracing “good enough” is. It’s simply impossible to be perfect. We all know we can’t meet every single one of our child’s desires, whether it’s another sugary snack, permission to draw on the walls, or a wish to stay up all night.
Even if perfect mothering were somehow achievable, the result would be a child ill-equipped for the real world – a delicate, fragile individual unable to cope with even minor setbacks. No mother wants that for her child.
The reality is, most of the time, we are either “good enough” or we aren’t. If we consistently fall short of “good enough,” we may be failing our children in significant and potentially damaging ways. However, if we are “good enough” – which I firmly believe most of us are – we get it right most of the time, and sometimes we get it wrong. Our children might feel momentarily upset, frustrated, or sad when we “fail” them in small ways. But in those very moments, they are learning a crucial life lesson: life is challenging, they can handle difficult emotions, and they will bounce back.
Each time we unintentionally “let our children down” in a minor way, and they navigate through that experience, they become a little stronger, a little more resilient. This is the real gift of the “good enough mother.” It’s time we all recognized and embraced this empowering truth.
